OK so my Aunt wrote me an email recently about my terrible lack of updating on this blog. I don't know what happened. I used to be so good at all of this...?
Unfortunately, I do know what happened. Reality set in. You see, the reason that I've been virtually non-existent (in many different ways) is that the reality of my situation has set in. Before I relied on the principal that this tumor was an accident of sorts. Of course, I never intentionally had the tumor. It was an accident. I just had to get through the situation, then everything would be normal. Of course, this wasn't the situation...
Then it slowly set in, beginning with the tumor's recurrence. At that point, I realized that this was no mistake, it was real and really deadly. One thing that I've always avoided averring on this blog is the numbers I'm facing. Whenever I've said that the doctors weren't giving me very good numbers, what I've meant is that, in their eyes, I only have three to five years to live (and that's with their radiation and chemo treatment program). I'm dead; there's nothing to be done. That's rather sad, I think. Having children and settling down would have been nice at some point.
So this is why I've been a big ol' loner lately. One thing I've learned here is that I'm not dead, like the docs would have me to think. There are things that I can do to survive this. I just have to find them. Unfortunately they're hidden amongst other things that won't work for me. So I have to develop a plan of action. Finish Burzynski, if that doesn't work, go elsewhere, if that doesn't work, go somewhere else. I will beat this thing, but it may take a bit more time than I was originally thinking.
(Oh and by the way, if you take a look at the picture above, take a closer look at the little quote underneath the sign. These little things help.)
hope does exist. i don't care what anyone says. you WILL beat the shit out of this tumor.
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