Like a rolling stone, I've got nothing to rely on

I've been in the pits today.

Life is rather bitter-sweet down here on Houston's watch. I love to see some of the folks at the Burzynski Clinic--but only so much. Everyone's SO nice and SO positive until I have to sit down and discuss my ACTUAL plan with my ACTUAL future. Then the niceness tends to give way to the realism (albeit a nicely expressed one) of my future (not quite so positive in the docs' eyes). It's always happiness tinged with the tension of not knowing my future. That and the assumption that there is no cure for this illness can be gleaned from just about any statement at any time; it's rather depressing. So much so that I've been in a rather dingy emotional place for the past 24 hours, and unfortunately, I don't really know what's caused it.

They're recommending that I do radiation now. With that "under my belt," I could be open to a much larger sea of salvation (so to speak). Avastin is rather risky business done sans radiation, opening up a person to some rather serious blood-vessel breakage, and I could also then do Burzynski's treatment du jour, Antineoplaston Therapy--but that's still two steps in the future, though. I have many other bridges to cross before I get there.

All in all, my future doesn't really look that bad; it's just not what I was expecting. I made plans to go to Philly that may have to be broken now--200 bucks down the drain. And I'm signed up for a course at Kennesaw that lasts a measly 2 months. I'm not breaking that off though. Not only is it expensive, but it's my damn life. A person can't just be a walking cancer patient forever. Even if I have to come back here in a few weeks, I will not be quitting that class.

What sucks the worst is that I feel fine. I come down here, and everyone's joyfully exclaiming, "Oh look at you. You look SO good." Inside I'm thinking, "Yeah, of course I do. I feel just fine dammit." Of course, I have to respond more politely than that; they're just being nice people. I DO appreciate that in the end (though after some serious reflection sometimes).

If Tuesday's going to be my day in the dumps, then I'm going to buy some hats. So that's where I'm left today. Life gives you lemons, so buy a hat. And that's what I did.