1/1/11: Good bye to yet another year I've completely washed my hands of

2011. I'm finally able to start a year off with the right foot rather than the badly mangled stump of one that I've started the year off with lately. It feels good to NOT be fearing for my life for once in what seems like a vast wasteland of an eternity (I'm chuckling right now because, for some reason, the first Planet of the Apes just came to mind). I still have to make an appointment with Dr. Q on the 10th, but I'm not having any of the dreaded telltale symptoms that something new is festering inside my skull for which I'm ultimately thankful.

Everything's not as nice and neat as it seems though. Brewing under my (seemingly) content exterior, something's gurgling within me that's more unsettling than not. It's something that I never really expected to happen to me. So the problem is that I'm having trouble being a part of everyone's happy, careless (not really careless just seemingly so), and carefree lives. For example at my first shift back at the taproom the other night, it started off being good to see everyone, but then everyone started dancing around having a great time one girl even danced on the bar, and though it was good to watch these people having such a good time, I thought to myself that it had been such a long time since I'd been able to let loose and just freak out for a little bit like everyone there that I began to wonder if I could even do that again. 

It was so weird. Such an unexpected and altogether alienating experience, that it almost took my breath away. I almost didn't feel like I was myself anymore. I was living the life of my twin--alike in appearance and recognized as such--but I'm simply not the person I used to be. Now I'm left wondering what the hell I can do, even who I am now. 

I'm hoping this is just a phase that I'm going through in this real world re-entering period and that it'll end just as quickly as it began, but right now nothing's for sure. I feel like I'm walking around upside down. Strange...